I continue to learn a lot about personality, spirituality, behavior…and men. We all seek the answer to ‘why‘ and ‘how come‘ and ‘what will I get out of this‘ type of thinking. We are all centric thinking, in some way. We have to be, right? We have to protect ourselves and keep things to ourselves – I mean, privacy is a real thing, no?
Of course privacy is a real thing. However, being able to properly (as opposed to manipulate) communicate is something that is weaved throughout all types of conversations and ideologies. Let’s face it, we all communicate based on meeting our needs, correct?
Well, not really. But, really – – that is how it is. Purely philanthropic thinking is self-centered…really. Don’t get me wrong, I think that human behavior is just a challenging concept and one that seems to keep surfacing as the most interesting topic at Pull The Roots Out.
The child within, the inner voice that we all have that is screaming at us most of the time saying ‘me! me! me!’ and sometimes it’s hard to know which ‘voice’ is talking to us. Is the nagging voice that tells you to be mad, feel rejected, respond with manipulation…could that be the child within? The little voice inside your mind when you were a little child; the voice that says “pay attention to me”.
Oddly, human thinking has evolved to ‘I’m not good enough’ if ‘attention is not paid’ to me. How does that attention come? Does it have to be the attention of another? Does it have to be the attention of your organization or company? Your neighbors and family? What if nobody talked to you for weeks? Would you feel rejected? Would your inner child be crying, screaming, or begging for attention? Yup.
One of the reasons I am so passionate about helping those that struggle is that I get a deeper understanding of the pain others feel and the choices they make because I get to ask questions and not judge…I get to hear the inner child cry for attention. I hear the stories and sit with the emotions.
A man in his mid-thirties once said to me “I just want family”…he didn’t say he wanted “A” family, he said he wanted a sense of family and support and love. He knew that ‘family’ means love, our society has trained most of us to think that way, and if he had family then he would have love…a place for belonging and a sense of protection.
I once dated a man in his thirties that was so narcissistic it was almost funny. But, knowing how narcissism works and how power and control surface, I was not that worried. He was a wonderful man but his inner child was desperately seeking a female to comfort him. His mother had abandoned him emotionally. He was the youngest of a very large family of children and his mother was an alcoholic and his father was in prison and died shortly after release.
One night, he hung his head and said “I hold on to love so tightly because there was never enough love to go around when I was growing up…the youngest of 8 children and there just wasn’t any love for me…my mom was sick and and alcoholic and my dad was in prison and my older gay brothers raised me…” He just wanted to be loved but developed controlling behaviors in relationships as a way of holding tightly to the love that was there in the moment. We only made it three months but I hope that someday he knows that the love he so desperately yearned for was always there within him self.
I’ve met so many people along my journey that I wonder if they truly don’t know that who they are today is who they were when they were a tiny child. I know, many people disagree with the theory, but I was once a skeptic too. Child development is true and there is certainly enough data and evidence to support many theories of child development. One thing that I do believe, for sure, is that our personality (the way in which we input, process, and output) is shaped at a very young age.
Sure, as our experiences and events unfold over the course of our life, we change our approach to how to manage the stresses and struggles. We continue to find solutions after doing things one way and then realizing how to do them another way, and so on. There are really strong reasons to change our approaches to communicating and life and love as we age. One thing is for sure, personality is always there and the capacity for decision-making and processing strengthens as we age.
The child within is a topic that I love studying. In order to start the process of pulling the roots out, the core issues in your life that you struggle with, you have to start at the bottom. Take a time travel back to time and remember what some of your feelings and memories told you. What messages did you receive as you reflect on your memories as child? What was the one main ‘thing’ in your childhood you wanted so much? What is the one ‘thing’ in your adulthood that you want so much, now?
Maybe you couldn’t articulate what you wanted in your childhood, what was missing, what you weren’t getting – – but spending time with your inner child you will be reminded of what you have been searching for your entire life; now, just pull the roots out and get it.